Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
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Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.