Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
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That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.