[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
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Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*