Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
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My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I’m crying im so happy for them
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”