I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
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I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.