Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
You Might Also Like
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.