@_Mo_lee_

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

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@KieranSoFar

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

@Ohgoddessitsme

I just accidentally opened the door for a jehovah’s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.

@NervousJr

Hey everyone who says aliens don’t exist.

Explain morning people.

@SteveSuckington

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

@SkinnerSteven

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

@LowIifee

I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100

@david8hughes

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

@E_lok44

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

@DaddyJew

The first rule of father club is “don’t tell your mother”