Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
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Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance