guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
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Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
*puts cutlery down*
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
that lip filler tho
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.