Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
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[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[Movie pitch in Hollywood]
A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose
Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it’s like I walked for no reason.
Doe. A deer. A female deer.
Ray. My creepy Uncle’s naaaame.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking “This is not The Gates’ residence.”
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Wife to instructor: What if my knees start to hurt?
Me to instructor: See what I’m up against?