@1followernodad

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

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@ClichedOut

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

@StinkyGr33n

[Movie pitch in Hollywood]

A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose

@theshamingofjay

Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it’s like I walked for no reason.

@Poutymcgee

Doe. A deer. A female deer.

Ray. My creepy Uncle’s naaaame.

@Beatonm5

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

@Terdoh

I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking “This is not The Gates’ residence.”

@Staggfilms

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

@junejuly12

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

(CPR class)

Wife to instructor: What if my knees start to hurt?

Me to instructor: See what I’m up against?