Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
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Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.