Guys, you can have Girl Scout cookies delivered.

I’m not crying, you’re crying.

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Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*


Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot


Girl in front of me at the store this morning bought a Kool-Aid Burst and a big Slim Jim. Heroes walk amongst us, folks. Real life heroes.


*Sleeping Beauty gives rotten apple to Obama*
*Obama faints*
Only a kiss from his one true love will save him
*Biden takes out lipstick*


*Cute girls approaches*
“You keep glancing over here, so I thought I’d come make the first move”

*Starts making car alarm sounds*


Life hack

1) Buy fancy towels.

2) Tell your family they are only for guests.

3) Congrats you now have fancy towels all to yourself.


I ate a big cheeseburger for lunch and my heart started going really fast, so I’m counting it as an hour at the gym.


Dracula: Magic Mirror on the wall, who now is the fairest one of all?

Magic Mirror: Who said that?


older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive




older coworker: you don’t get any cake