WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
You Might Also Like
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
lol
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”