Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Guys, you can have Girl Scout cookies delivered.
I’m not crying, you’re crying.
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Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Girl in front of me at the store this morning bought a Kool-Aid Burst and a big Slim Jim. Heroes walk amongst us, folks. Real life heroes.
*Sleeping Beauty gives rotten apple to Obama*
Only a kiss from his one true love will save him
*Biden takes out lipstick*
*Cute girls approaches*
“You keep glancing over here, so I thought I’d come make the first move”
*Starts making car alarm sounds*
1) Buy fancy towels.
2) Tell your family they are only for guests.
3) Congrats you now have fancy towels all to yourself.
I ate a big cheeseburger for lunch and my heart started going really fast, so I’m counting it as an hour at the gym.
Dracula: Magic Mirror on the wall, who now is the fairest one of all?
Magic Mirror: Who said that?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
older coworker: you don’t get any cake