Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
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Comparing yourself to others
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
who wants to go expliring
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed