Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
You Might Also Like
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
#parenting
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.