@jjmick45

GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google “woman stabs” and see how many stories come up.

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@jimmytorosian

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

@JasonLastname

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

@SondraDeeMe

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

@caseytduncan

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

@ShawnIzadi

That moment you could pass as an Olympic speed walker because you are racing to the bathroom.

@spaceboyriley

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

@daskidcoppi

The first rule of elevator club is don’t talk to other members of elevator club.

@JulesShmules

H: I don’t understand what goes on in your head.
Me: If you prefer, I can quit twitter and just tell you all of this.
H: No, we’re good.

@chuuew

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.