@jjmick45: GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google "woman stabs" and see how many stories come up.
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@AndrewNadeau0: POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover. ME: How deep? CHIEF: VERY deep. [Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars] ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
@UncleDuke1969: FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted? ME: Yup. FRIEND: Really? By who? WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG. ME: The ghost of my mother.
@: I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “.....where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO