Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google “woman stabs” and see how many stories come up.
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First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
That moment you could pass as an Olympic speed walker because you are racing to the bathroom.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
The first rule of elevator club is don’t talk to other members of elevator club.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
H: I don’t understand what goes on in your head.
Me: If you prefer, I can quit twitter and just tell you all of this.
H: No, we’re good.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.