4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
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I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…