Wife: how did you get all of these groceries so cheap?
Husband: I just used the buy one get one free line
Wife: you mean the self check out line?
Husband: I think we need to move
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
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no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
mercury is no longer retrograde so you can relax now, your problems are your own fault again
Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Ate at some place called Spaghetteria and let’s just say it gave me diaghetti.