Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
You Might Also Like
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
The Struggle
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like