@FeverFlave

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

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@DaddyJew

Wife: how did you get all of these groceries so cheap?

Husband: I just used the buy one get one free line

Wife: you mean the self check out line?

Husband:

Wife:

Husband:

Wife:

Husband: I think we need to move

@goodbeanalt

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

@Mikecanrant

Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.

@ilovepie84

Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.

@PetrickSara

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

@stardazingxo

mercury is no longer retrograde so you can relax now, your problems are your own fault again

@Freudianscript

Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.

@TheAlexNevil

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

@DJRotaryRachel

Ate at some place called Spaghetteria and let’s just say it gave me diaghetti.