Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
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I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
True freaking story!
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I know this now 😂
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.