*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*


Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming.


Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am


Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom


This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.


So sick of not knowing if a girl’s single. We need a symbol
Not visible enough
“Screw it, lets put a dot on their foreheads”


I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”


[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?


CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99


Ambien: Where is your unicorn?

Me: I don’t have a unicorn.

A: You better get naked and go into that Arby’s and look for it anyway.

M: Ok.


I’m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat’s hair grows back.