Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?

Me: how can I trust you anymore

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If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.


*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…


Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.


There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon


SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?


Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.


Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space


I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.


He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.


The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.