@GawdOffalTweets

Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?

Me: how can I trust you anymore

You Might Also Like

@1evilidiot

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

@Kryzazy

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

@AbbyHasIssues

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

@Cravin4

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

@jordan_stratton

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

@robin_991

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

@behindyourback

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

@Its_Miss_Riss

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

@RidiculousSheri

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

@Mikecanrant

The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.