Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
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Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
This guy’s not having it 😆
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back