Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
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north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
my birthday is a month from today and all i want is this
*waits until a bird falls asleep, quietly creeps beside it’s nest*
HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO ARE YOU AWAKE!?!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS!?!
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I’m sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.