Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
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My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
My what?
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.