I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
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“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.