When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
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Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
My neighbor with the Confederate flag is harmless after all.
He just drove off in the cutest little ghost costume.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Don’t hate on Americans for not learning a foreign language.
Hate on Americans for not learning English.
Abraham: look here son, i got windows 98! Isaac: but dad, we don’t have enough memory? Abraham:Have faith, God will provide the RAM.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”
[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*