Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

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I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.


Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you



I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment


Giving our 3-yr-old son the big news…

Wife: We’re having a baby!
Son: Keep it in there.
Me: Well, we can’t —
Son: Keep. It. In.


My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.


Wife: I told you to slow down.

Cop: License & registration, please.

Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?

Me: Look underneath them.


*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3


*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper


I want to date a girl who is willing to solve any disagreements with impromptu light-saber battles.