I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
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Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Giving our 3-yr-old son the big news…
Wife: We’re having a baby!
Son: Keep it in there.
Me: Well, we can’t —
Son: Keep. It. In.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.
Wife: I told you to slow down.
Cop: License & registration, please.
Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?
Me: Look underneath them.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I want to date a girl who is willing to solve any disagreements with impromptu light-saber battles.