@AdamBroud

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

@funflaps

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

@TheAlexNevil

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

@noog

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

@iheartgunts

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

@missokistic

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

@BrickCh4News

“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”

“Brick, that’s your shadow.”

@HomeWithPeanut

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

@TheToddWilliams

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people