Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
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(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Meow
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.