Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
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AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”
“Brick, that’s your shadow.”
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I’m a virgin but I have sex sometimes