Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

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ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that


Everytime I hold a baby, I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator:

“18 to life man, I know it smells good. Stay focused.”


“Don’t Kid Yourself” would be the greatest brand name for birth control pills.


Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*


10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud


Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.


I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus


Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?


One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.