Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
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My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats