@sixfootcandy

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

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@WritePlay

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

@Disfordilaudid

Everytime I hold a baby, I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator:

“18 to life man, I know it smells good. Stay focused.”

@DaveWeasel

“Don’t Kid Yourself” would be the greatest brand name for birth control pills.

@EndhooS

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

@theshantilly

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

@KalvinMacleod

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

@YourMomsucksTho

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

@SeanINCypress

Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?

@ohmygrapeness

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.