GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
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A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
The devil.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Wish all of my viruses were this polite