[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
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If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded