@ItsAndyRyan

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

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@Kauaibride

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

@brettryland

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

@robdelaney

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

@mommajessiec

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

@DelanieFischer

Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.

@PJTLynch

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced