GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
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The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
What?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.