GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
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[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)