[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
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If a snake ate a cake
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING