@SeanINCypress

Gyms are full of people that haven’t found the right couch.

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@KMoFlo_official

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

@caseytduncan

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

@jjhartinger

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

@Monicake0128

Me: are you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

@R0ckG0d88

If Target didn’t want anyone singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” into a hairbrush they shouldn’t have it playing over the store intercom.

@Sarcasticsapien

Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

@sammyrhodes

Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”

@thedadvocate01

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

@HonestToddler

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL