Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Gyms are full of people that haven’t found the right couch.
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A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Me: are you married?
Me: your wife know about that?
If Target didn’t want anyone singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” into a hairbrush they shouldn’t have it playing over the store intercom.
Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
M: I wish I was a baller
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL