“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
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[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.