Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
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It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
My god she’s good.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.