[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
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BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
What a chick magnet..
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.