@Sassafrantz

Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…

Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.

Gynecologist: Um, your legs

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@iwearaonesie

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

@YourMomsucksTho

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

@prufrockluvsong

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

@HatfieldAnne

If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.

@RunOldMan

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

@bea_ker

Newsreader: Police are asking anyone with any information-
Me: [shouting at TV] You lose 90% of your heat from your head

@Rivs01

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

@causticbob

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

@fuzzlime

If two cannibals fight

Does that make it a food fight?