I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.