9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…
Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.
Gynecologist: Um, your legs
You Might Also Like
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Newsreader: Police are asking anyone with any information-
Me: [shouting at TV] You lose 90% of your heat from your head
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
If two cannibals fight
Does that make it a food fight?