@Sassafrantz

Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…

Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.

Gynecologist: Um, your legs

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@RecursiveTaco

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

@BryMastas

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

@Skoogeth

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

@kimmie_1980

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

@maurajbg

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

@PixieGreenEyes

Why sleep in, when you can have your child’s tiny fingers shoved up your nose at 5am on a Saturday instead?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

@BoomBoomBetty

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

@Parkerlawyer

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”