Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…
Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.
Gynecologist: Um, your legs
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Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Why sleep in, when you can have your child’s tiny fingers shoved up your nose at 5am on a Saturday instead?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”