Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
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[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human