Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
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Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing