I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.
#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
’Gyno’ is what ladies say to men sliding into their DMs
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The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[walking through park with date]
Did u know there’s more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange
[blood is just pouring from my mouth]
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
She said I’m ‘barely tolerable,’ which means there’s still a chance
Me: maybe I should turn on the news
[17 seconds later]
Me: yeah, this grout in the bathroom really needs to be cleaned