*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
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My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen