@English_Channel

’Gyno’ is what ladies say to men sliding into their DMs

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@hansabumsadaisy

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

@TheTweetOfGod

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

@BoozeWallet

[walking through park with date]

Did u know there’s more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange

[blood is just pouring from my mouth]

@tastefactory

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

@TheBoydP

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

@bornmiserable

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

@funnyordie

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

@jake_lach

She said I’m ‘barely tolerable,’ which means there’s still a chance

@Divergentmama

Me: maybe I should turn on the news

[17 seconds later]

Me: yeah, this grout in the bathroom really needs to be cleaned