H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

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My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.


Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.


*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs


Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.


Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it.”


My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’


50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.


You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun


I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.