@hogrider05

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

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@Dawn_M_

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

@TheEllenShow

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

@elliemce

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

@HollyHeals

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

@myles_morrison

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it.”

@skedaddle74

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

@yenniwhite

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

@PoodleSnarf

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

@tsm560

I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.