Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
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*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
You can’t afford the maintenance to keep me.
Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria’s Secret, and bail money.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Someone: if you’re not deaf why do you always use subtitles?
Me, someone with audio processing issues so bad I literally did not understand what you just said: yeah!
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig.
It’s not a very good poem, but it’s very deep.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”