H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
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If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.