How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.