im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
*presses start and mario just sits down*
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
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STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
‘Tis the season to pull copious amounts of tinsel out of your dog’s butthole.
My voicemail greeting:
Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.
The only thing keeping me from cutting eye holes in a newspaper to spy on people in the coffee shop is my constant lack of scissors.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Not all heroes wear capes
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever