H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
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Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
<—- homeless romantic
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.