H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
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Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
seems like a niche market
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
2022 will be better than 2021
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Thanks to a fan for this one!