@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

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@TysonMarie

If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries

@TheClifBob

Doors
– Designed to stop people
– Can be opened by people

@dril

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

@TheWoodenslurpy

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

@semenphantom

*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples*
“The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared.”

@SladeWentworth

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

@Playing_Dad

[3am]
*nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he’s like a million years old.

@JohnLyonTweets

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”