If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
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– Designed to stop people
– Can be opened by people
Born to be mild.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples*
“The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared.”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
*nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he’s like a million years old.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”