H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
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I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim