H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
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white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.