H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
You Might Also Like
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Finished stitching this today 😇
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation