My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
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Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My dog has figured out I’m Chinese. He totally tried to make a run for it.
Silly dog, I’m not going to eat you until I train a replacement.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
honey! i just had a nightmare that i was naked at a job interview, licking BBQ sauce off the guy’s face
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
“I’d hit that!” — me gazing at rock bottom
I know a certain right hand that is going to be getting VERY lucky tonight…
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better