H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
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Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.