H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

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Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.


professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?


I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.


[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this


[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.


My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.


If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?


I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.


Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?


[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..