H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
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Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.