@3sunzzz

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

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@Iwriteforcats

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

@KentWGraham

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

@david8hughes

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

@jesse_street

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

@jellybnbonanza

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

@SergioValenCo

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

@Love_bug1016

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

@ThisOneSayz

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

@QwertyJones3

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..