H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
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It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie